Sadness 08-30-08 23:07
I don't even know where to begin.
I don't even know who I am.
I am numb.

The person I love is sitting 10 feet away.
And I have no control.

Lately I've been feeling like there is no need to be here, but then I see the life in my 2 year old neice. And I see the love of my family. And I can't help but to weep. And I can feel the love when I hold Amber. And it makes me weep. The beauty in this world, in every little thing. And it makes me grateful to be alive but when it all boils down, I don't have anything else to give.

I never wanted this feeling ever again. I told myself that I was done with loving someone. That I never wanted to go through this again. And here I am, so upset that I'd rather take my own life then be here. I can't believe I actually put myself through this, believing it was going to be different this time. You think I would of learned by now.

Life...hates me.
Well I smoked my throat out last night
Hoping you'd call or just stop by
Now I'm wheezing like the Oakland sky
Feeling like the rusted tracks and forgotten dream of the old train lines

It's a perpetual stone in my shoe
One that I'll always be trying to shake loose
An ache in my chest and a thorn in my side
More than a scratch beneath this skin
Somewhere between the beginning and the end
I don't feel a lot lately
I don't feel whole lately
I don't feel much lately
But that's how I hide

To say I miss you wouldn't be enough
And I'm as pathetic as a junkie who knows what he does

Me 11-29-07 09:50
I have been through so much shit lately- I don't even know where to begin. I deleted my Myspace account earlier because I cannot deal with people and thier bullshit. I don't understand drama and I don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy talking badly about others or whatever they do. I am one of the nicest people ever and I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm always the one who apologizes, who tries to understand where everyone is coming from. And I always get hurt in return. I know people take advantage of people like me but I can't help who I am and I won't change that aspect of myself.

It's so hard for me to not to try to fight back and stand up for what I know is real. But then, when I try to stand up- I wonder if it's even worth it. I wonder if it's worth all the tears, the heartache, the pain.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. If I should fight or let go. I don't want to lose Lisa and what we had and have but at the same time I don't know if all this bullshit is worth my pain or time. I will not play games with someone. I will not get lied to, I will not be used or toyed with. My heart is too precious. Or atleast thats how I feel.

I don't want to have any hard feelings towards anyone. I don't want to cause problems, I don't want to fight, I don't want to yell, I don't want to cry, I don't want to chase someone. I don't want any pain to be involved. I don't want to be kept some secret.

I don't know. It's just so hard being alone. And being in love with someone and thier heart not being there %100. And I don't understand how I'm supposed to just one day say I'm over it and move on. I can't do that, I've already tried.
It's hard to believe that it has almost been a year since I've been in Florida...and how its almost been 2 years since I met Lisa. It feels like its been an eternity but at the same time I can't believe how much time has flown by.

Sometimes I wonder who I'd be if I decided to stay in Florida...I wonder if I would of turned into to one of them- money hungry, drug addicted, all about fitness, perfect. Sometimes I think I'd like that life but I think at the same time I'd get tired of not being who I really am.

And then I think that would of made me forget about Lisa a long time ago, being 3000 thousand miles away and not being able to be with that person would of helped alot. God, I can't imagine all the money I'd have right now, but is that really what life is all about? I don't think it is. I would probably have some guido boyfriend and be knocked up. Weird.

And I'd probably be driving some BMW and spending hundreds of dollars a day on drugs and clothes. Okay, I'm going to stop....this entry has really made no sense at all....

One thing I did learn while I was in Florida was that I'd rather sleep in a dirt hut with my family rather than having all the money in the world and being so unhappy. Really, all you need is your family.
I think what hurts the most is just that, that I did bury a home in this person. And I never really imagined my life without this person. I thought this was it, the real thing. I thought we'd be together forever.

I understand that all this is just a part of life but I can't help being stuck in the moment of feeling completely dead inside from what has happened. I know the reason why I don't understand why things ended up the way they did is because I don't have the capacity to hurt someone quite as much as this person has hurt me. I don't have the capacity to manipulate people, to maliciously hurt someone.

I know that it's time for me to get a back bone and stick up for myself and that is what I intend on doing, but right now I can't even think about how I'm supposed to gather myself up. I don't know how I'm supposed to move on and get over it and someday love another person as deeply as I loved this person. I'm not really sure I'm able to feel that feeling again. I do feel as if a part of me has been ripped out or pierced with a 0 gauge hollow needle, therefore taking a part out of my body that cannot return again or rebuild itself.

It saddens me to know that this person is the way they are. I don't think I could fall asleep every night and actually sleep knowing I make people feel the way I've come to feel.

But I am keeping my chin up. I'm realizing there is life beyond this relationship with the Devil in disguise. I'm looking forward to a life of happiness and someday loving someone again who appreciates me. Someone who will love me as deep as I love them.

I wish I knew why I hold onto the past so tightly. I miss almost everything I used to have. The people in my life, the way things were. I felt so much more complete 2 years ago even though I was going through the hardest part of my life yet.
Nothing has changed, nothing is better. If anything, everything is worse.

I know that this is life.

Today/tonight is one of those stay at home all day, watch t.v, nap, try to do laundry & try to clean your room but music and the internet distracts you- sleeping pill day/night.

Oh, Lisa is still a douche.
Save your last kiss.. 06-21-07 18:00
Dear Lisa,

I didnt mean for that last message to sound like I was saying it sarcastically or meanfully- I was just saying that I understand now that you really don't feel the same way about me as you once did and its really okay if you feel that way. I know that I can't make you love me or I can't make you want to be with me and thats just something I have to deal with. I really have tried the hardest I can to show you recently and all through our relationship that you mean the world to me, that I really think or thought you were the one for me and I know that the way I define " trying " is alot different from the way you define it.

I once heard somewhere that you can love someone with everything you are and someone can love you with everything they are and it can be a different amount or kind of love. I really just think that " love " is different for both of us and I'm not saying we can't work with that, its just really accepting the one you love for who they are and all thier faults and just loving them deeper than all of that. I guess people just love in different ways than others and I know that can be difficult. I just want you to remember how close we were/are and all those little special moments we had and how we both grew from this.

I won't sit here and try to defend myself at all because I know that mistakes that I've made with you and I think deep down inside of your heart you understand and know that for what I did I'm truly sorry. I sit there and cry and cry and cry and feel like I'm being ripped apart because you don't understand that I'm sorry and I would never, ever do that to you again. I'm sorry that I looked in your eyes and lied to you over and over, I just never wanted to hurt you, those were never my intentions.

Again, I'm not asking for second chances and I'm not trying to make excuses, I just want you to know how I feel about you. I can't even start to explain what exactly you've done for me, I don't really think there are words to express. You taught me that is was okay to be who you are- you taught and showed me what love really was and for just showing me and letting me feel what real love feels/felt like I'll be forever thankful for that.

I'm going to miss you so much, thats all I can really say. I have had some of the best times of my life with you and I'll never let go of those memories. You really are a beautiful person and you can call me bad names and push me away but I'm still always going to love you.

I want to thank you also for letting me get to know your family, I absolutley love your family and thats going to be hard for me. Especially not to be able to see Keianna.

Again, I want to apologize for not showing you the way you want to be shown how much I love you and I'm sorry for not proving my love to you the way I should, I just really don't know how and I don't think thats my fault, I'm sorry for the past and how its molded me into the person I am today.

I really wish I could be the kind of person you want to be with and I'm not trying to be negative but it hurts. I just wish I could be with the most amazing person in this world and whoever gets ahold of you is the luckiest person alive :)

I'm really going to miss....everything..- there have been so many firsts with you that we have shared and I think thats really special, I hope you do too.

I just really love you and its so sad that I have to let you go, I have to let you be happy and stop being so selfish. I think its going to take quite awhile or quite possibly a lifetime to get over this.

I hope you can forgive me for what I've done even if that means we can never be together again, I just want you to think of me a decent human being with a heart instead of what you've come to think of me as.

I wanted to drive out to your house today because you weren't going to be home and leave you something nice but I know that would just push you away even more because I know you really want me to just stop trying and move on and give you your space and I'm going to do that for you because I really do respect you and I want you to see that.

I can't apologize enough for never being there for you, and you not thinking you can talk to me and you not thinking I really knew who you are. And I'm sorry never giving you the things you deserve and treating you badly at times. I just wish I could go back and do everthing different but I know I can't and I know its too late.

I wish you luck in everything you do sometimes you just have to be patient(something I'm learning). You're smart, cute and hard-working so you'll be fine. I just wish I could share the seconds,minutes,hours,months and years with you through all of that.

I want you to know that I'm always here, I love you dearly and would be with you in a heartbeat. I really don't know how you feel about all this because I really haven't got to talk to you but I hope the way you feel changes. I hope maybe you can forgive me and learn to trust me because Lisa, I promise you...-I will never hurt you again, and you can trust me, there is no one else but you in my eyes. You know that you have me and that I'm yours. I'll love you forever, really.

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